It's that time of year again for that sugar-coated, pagan holiday that keeps dentist chairs and diabetes centers filled to capacity. The holiday wherein some parents abandon their better judgement and paint their little girl's dainty cherub face to resemble a lady of the evening, sending her into the night to roam the weirdo-infested streets looking for Mr. Goodbar, panhandling candy from neighbors and local mall merchants. 

Nobody wants a hero with a weak jaw...